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Melbourne Cup Form Guide For People Who Only Bet Once a Year

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Picking the winner in the Melbourne Cup is no easy task - especially for casual punters who have no interest in horse racing at any other time of the year. If you only bet on one race per year, this form guide is for you.

No. Horse Jockey Barrier Weight
1 SNOW SKY Ryan Moore 16 58kg
This horse is number 1 in the official list, which has to mean something. But it only weighs 58kg, which seems light. According to Wikipedia, adult horses weigh between 380 and 550 kilograms.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇
2 CRITERION Michael Walker 4 57.5kg
Criterion is a strong name, and that bold yellow tunic matches the yellow rose of Cup Day, so it’s hard to see how this could go wrong. This horse is even lighter than the previous one, however – not sure what’s going on here...

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇
3 FAME GAME Zac Purton 12 57kg
Everything about this horse is wrong. “Fame Game” sounds like the title of Paris Hilton’s biography, Zac Purton is a stupid name for a human, and there’s a big red cross across the jockey’s shirt. No thank you.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇
4 OUR IVANHOWE Ben Melham 22 56kg
Okay I’ve done some more research and I’m pretty sure this “weight” is not the weight of the horse. Not even a pony is that light, and the racehorses on TV look much bigger than ponies.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇
5 BIG ORANGE Jamie Spencer 23 55.5kg
Yeah, more yellow! A bit of a disconnect between the tunic and the name of the horse, but we’ll forgive them. Oranges are tasty, orange juice is tasty, and I’m not afraid to admit that mimosas are tasty too.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇🏇🏇
6 HARTNELL James McDonald 17 55.5kg
Immediately made me think of Josh Hartnett, which can’t be a bad thing. But what’s with those bland colours? He looks more like a Wiggle than a jockey.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇🏇
7 HOKKO BRAVE Craig Williams 20 55.5kg
Way too much St Kilda going on here. If you’re a fan of sexual assault or losing grand finals, this is the horse for you.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇
8 MAX DYNAMITE Frankie Dettori 2 55kg
Frankie Dettori sounds like someone with serious mob connections. If this horse arrives on race day with its head intact, expect it to do very well. The pink jersey isn’t half bad either.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇🏇
9 RED CADEAUX Gerald Mosse 8 55kg
I’ve heard of this horse, so I think it must have won something in the past.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇🏇🏇
10 TRIP TO PARIS Tommy Berry 14 55kg
OMG I’m going on a trip to Paris next year! This is too much of a coincidence, I can’t not bet on it!

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇
11 WHO SHOT THEBARMAN Blake Shinn 6 54.5kg
My friend Joe from work was saying something about this horse, but I can’t remember if he said it would win, or place, or come last. Or maybe he just didn't like the name.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇
12 SKY HUNTER William Buick 7 54kg
Great name, but again, what’s with the boring threads? We’re trying to win the Melbourne Cup, not educate children about Jeff’s sleeping habits.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇
13 THE OFFER Damien Oliver 13 54kg
Damien Oliver has definitely won the Melbourne Cup before. And his costume looks a bit like Captain America, which was a fun film.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇
14 GRAND MARSHAL Jim Cassidy 15 53.5kg
Is this the same thing as “Holler for a Marshall?” Because I don’t like those ads (what were you thinking, Warnie?!)

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇
15 PREFERMENT Hugh Bowman 11 53.5kg
There’s been too much brown and gold on the podium in the last few years. Even if the stripes are a slightly different angle, this horse is way too Hawthorn for my liking.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇
16 QUEST FOR MORE Damian Lane 21 53.5kg
I can’t really explain it, but I sort of had a premonition just then of the commentators saying “Quest for More, Quest for More!” as if it was on the final straight and making a charge for victory.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇🏇🏇
17 ALMOONQITH Dwayne Dunn 10 53kg
Yeah, good luck trying to pronounce this one.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇
18 KINGFISHER Colm O'Donoghue 9 53kg
Could you get a more boring name and colours? I’m falling asleep just looking at them in the race guide.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇
19 PRINCE OF PENZANCE Michelle Payne 1 53kg
I got this horse in the office sweep, so there’s no point betting on him again.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇
20 BONDI BEACH Brett Prebble 18 52.5kg
Hello? It’s the Melbourne Cup. Sydney horses need not apply.

ThermoCow recommendation: zero
21 SERTORIUS Craig Newitt 5 52.5kg
Are there more horses than in previous years? This list just doesn’t stop.

ThermoCow recommendation: I’ve lost track!
22 THE UNITED STATES Joao Moreira 3 52.5kg
I wonder if this horse is from the United States? Or maybe the owner is, or the trainer? I should look that up, because I think foreign horses generally do quite well? Although I went to the States once and didn’t have a great time, so this is a “no” from me.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇
23 EXCESS KNOWLEDGE Kerrin McEvoy 24 51kg
Barrier 24 is either really good or really bad, but I can’t remember which.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇🏇🏇?
24 GUST OF WIND Chad Schofield 19 51kg
Literally no one is going to read this far. Sorry Gust of Wind, but everyone’s already picked their horse by now. Your lame uniform is doing you no favours either.

ThermoCow recommendation: 🏇