The internet’s finest journalists have been working tirelessly to catalogue the sexiest robots from the movies (see here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here). These lists are a fine tribute to the filmmakers who got it right - but we can’t forget those who disappointed the entire world of cinema. So which movie robots didn’t turn us on?
C3PO (The Star Wars Saga)
George Lucas: what were you thinking??? We crave robot eye-candy, and you give us a fragile, bug-eyed twerp who can hardly bend? Definitely not the droid we were looking for.
Sentinels (The Matrix Saga)
The Wachowskis proved they could design a sexy robot by giving us Keanu Reeves, but they really struck out with the Sentinels. What kind of moviegoer fantasises about a liaison with a terrifying metal laser squid? Such fail.
Johnny Five (The Short Circuit Saga)
Hear me out. Sure, Johnny Five’s easy on the eye, but immature much? I like my robots sexy inside as well as out.
Spider Robots (Minority Report)
It may just be me, but I honestly cannot see what is meant to be sexy about the spider robots in Minority Report. “Spindly arachnoid” is literally nobody’s type. This isn’t so much a criticism of Minority Report as it is of a world that allows such unsexy robots to appear on film.
Just kidding. You keep being you, WALL-E.
Johnny Cab (Total Recall)
¡Ay, caramba! I cross my legs contraceptively whenever the Johnny Cab appears on screen. It’s about as sexy as a torso-shaped lump of metal that’s been painted to look like an elderly taxi driver pivoting around on a pole. I… can’t even.
Next week on ThermoCow: TV’s sexiest auctioned storage containers.