Pop quiz, fankids: what makes Star Wars films great? Pop answer: low expectations.
As a public service, ThermoCow is assembling the worst possible versions of Star Wars VII for your buzz-killing pleasure. Now whatever shows up in the cinema will comparatively blow your mind.
Star Wars Episode 7: Godziller verses Star Wars
Chapter 1. JEDI
Hi my name is Baraness Shanay Dar’aktu and I am a jedi from Planet Corusont. I have dark black straight hair and one green eye and one blue eye and normal heigth. I am 244 but I always look 15 because immorttal. My combat stile is 3 litesabars 1 in each hand and 1 moved by the force. I use light side force abilaties and have heeling powrs n do slite of hand Magixc.
1 day I was at star wars school and my freind Becca was said “Baraness look at it!” I look out the window and see up from the sky a huge vessal falling falling falling FALLING SMASH!!! into the grond. “What is it?” I said and becca said “it made a crator big as
smoke come off the crash vessal and door opened upways and out come a thing eight foot tall with lizad head and siad “prepar to to die!” “What is it?” I said again cause I hadden seen a godzillar b4 and becca said “i dont know’ because she hadden ether I look down and there was red laser dots on me and I shut “look out!” and I dived out the window and it blowed up the room.
I lied on the ground and feel sad but angry cause goziller kill becca and in front of me saw some man dress like a jedi. His hair was blond and long as draco malfoy and he look like draco malfoy 2. “Hi my name is Jedi” he said and I nearly talk back and he said “and yes I am a Jedi too” “a Jedi neamed jedi?” I said and he said “yeh, i get that alot :)” and smiled nice “what is that thing?” I said and he said “it’s a godziller!!! but only a small 1”
Jedi use the forced to pick me up and I threw 2 lite sabars at the godzillar and its head cut off and orang blood shot out its neck like a fire hidrent n some aliens that watching clapt and shut “Baraness Baraness!”. Jedi was tall maybe six foot 2. The goziller lied there and its blood was acid.
Jedi look at me and smile and I said “what?” and he said “Iwas just thinking” and “I said “about what?” and he said’ “never mined” and smile again “do you want to go at a concert?” he said “what band is it?” I said and he said “it’s like black metal for futore of humens” “i guess” I said and I feelt arowse.
Then at the concert we dance togetehr Jedi said ‘hey wathc this’ and he fliped onto stage n play the drums wit the band then he play beatbox and it sounnd like drums were really. I cold see he had a massave hardon when he beatbox then two godzillers came up thru the grond. "SCREAM!"
All the concert people ran away and lerft me alone fighting the two godzillers they were big than the other gozillar maybe 20 foot. I threw all my lite sabars at the gozillars and they bonced off
Jedi telaport next to me "these are middle size gozillers you cant kill middle size or large gozillers with lite sabars they are invinsable to them only small gozillers like the 1 from b4 you can kill with lite sabars!!!" 1 of the gozillers shoot rockets the other had 10 mashine guns Jedi pull out a gun and I said "what's?" and he said "it's a litesabar canon same tecnology as lite sabar but more powrful and he shoot at 1 godziller but it bonce off and hit jedi in the chest and leavt a massave hole.
"i shold have nown it would bonce it is same tecnology as lite sabar" jedi said and he gargled from blood in the throte. suddenly I turn very angry and the rocket godziller shoot a rocket at me and I use the forced and it went back and hit the godziller and then i use force choke to choke the other godziller and it went up in the air and die
i kneeled nex to jedi and he had all blood come out his mouth and the hole in the chest and he said 'you are really pretty' and we had sex and kiss but it tasted blood So that is how the jedi name jedi die and how i was the first jedi to use light side force abilaties AND dark side force abilaties because dark side is force choke and force litening and force rage . now I am both sides of force and it efeels confussing and weird. you have probably herd of me