Does it feel like everyone is going out for brunch at a trendy cafe, except you? Do you sit at home on Saturday mornings, doing nothing but scroll through photos of avocado smash on your Facebook feed? Do you wish that you too could go out for brunch at a trendy cafe? Follow this guide, and you can!
- Select a trendy cafe. With a dozen new cafes popping up every week, the choice can seem overwhelming - but don’t despair! Simply navigate to www.broadsheet.com.au, and select the most recently reviewed establishment. This will ensure maximum queues (i.e., maximum trendiness).
- Time your arrival. When do you normally get hungry? Plan to arrive at least an hour before then, as you will have to queue for a table. Unfortunately they don’t take bookings, so don’t even ask. (Note: if they do take bookings, they are not a trendy cafe. Leave immediately.)
- Bring your friends? This one’s optional. Sure, there’s nothing more hip than a group of beautiful hungover people sharing tales of their exciting lives over an array of dazzling breakfast creations—but there’s nothing more alluring than a lone diner, sipping a complicated coffee, reading an obscure book, and maybe sketching in a Moleskine notepad. You are interesting!
- Order your coffee(s). As a general rule of thumb, you should need to pause for air at least twice during the course of your order (unless you are a long distance runner or a woodwind musician). If your order is no more than a few simple words with no qualifications or customisations, then you clearly lack a personality.
- Peruse the menu. Take time to marvel at the cutesy indie frivolities prancing around the page. Is that a doodle of a cat in a chef’s hat? Adorable! Instagram it before one of your trendier friends harvests all the social media approval.
- Order your brunch. If you have to order an animal-based product, go for one with an anthropomorphic adjective, like happy chicken, relaxed bacon, or attention-seeking omelette. Everything on the menu should already be gluten free, but just in case, inform the waiter that you have cut gluten from your diet for the health benefits.
- More Instagram! Hopefully you’ll have already posted a few whimsical snaps of the menu, the decor, or the precocious baby seated nearby that you’re pretending is a younger relative (with you being the “cool” uncle or aunt). Don’t stop now - the main course is about to arrive! Try to post at least four photos of each plate, because people are really interested in exactly what you ate.
Things you’ll need: money, time, desire for approval.