To many people, a career in commentating sounds like a dream come true: you get paid to watch the footy and listen to the sound of your own voice. But being a commentator isn’t as easy as it looks. Take this quiz to find out if you have what it takes.
- If a player kicks a goal, and immediately runs to the bench, what do you say?
- If a player kicks for goal, but only scores a point, what do you say?
- If a player kicks for goal, but misses everything, and the ball ends up going out of bounds for a throw-in, what do you say?
- If Cyril Rioli does something positive, what do you say?
- If it is the final quarter and a team kicks two goals in a row but is still trailing by an insurmountable margin, what do you say?
- If a player attempts to kick a goal by means of a “dribble kick”, and misses, what do you say?
- If the ball hits a player in the head, what do you say?
- If you want to refer to a player without using his full name, what do you say?
I don’t like this. A player kicks a goal and is immediately benched. But that’s what they do these days.
I don’t like this. A player kicks a goal and is immediately benched. But that’s what they do these days.
I don’t like this. A player kicks a goal and is immediately benched. But that’s what they do these days.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
As a commentator, you must be mindful of your audience. Many fans have not watched a game of footy since the early 2000s, and will be thoroughly confused to see a goalkicker heading to the bench.
For all the professionalism in the modern game - the athleticism, the fitness, the skill levels - goalkicking is the one area that hasn’t improved.
For all the professionalism in the modern game - the athleticism, the fitness, the skill levels - goalkicking is the one area that hasn’t improved.
For all the professionalism in the modern game - the athleticism, the fitness, the skill levels - goalkicking is the one area that hasn’t improved.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
Most people watching a game of football don’t realise that players in the modern era are paid a salary by their clubs. Not only that, but they train multiple times a week! Given this startling combination of facts - which most people simply do not know - it is only reasonable to point out that modern forwards are no better at kicking for goal than their predecessors.
That's actually a better result than if it had gone through for a behind.
That's actually a better result than if it had gone through for a behind.
That's actually a better result than if it had gone through for a behind.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
As a commentator, it is important to demonstrate your understanding of the more cerebral aspects of the game, such as the unintuitive preference to keep the ball in your forward 50, rather than concede possession in return for a measly point. No one listening to your commentary will have heard this before, and will certainly not be able to think it for themselves.
Even if he only gets his 10 or 15 touches a game, he can still hurt you on the scoreboard.
Even if he only gets his 10 or 15 touches a game, he can still hurt you on the scoreboard.
Even if he only gets his 10 or 15 touches a game, he can still hurt you on the scoreboard.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
It is important to remind more bookish viewers that Cyril Rioli’s statistics aren’t everything. Unlike most other players, Cyril Rioli is capable of kicking or setting up a goal with a single possession.
Do you think they could be a chance from here?
Do you think they could be a chance from here?
Do you think they could be a chance from here?
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
When the result of a match is for all intents and purposes decided, you need to trick viewers into doubting the inevitable outcome so that they continue to watch. This is the commentator’s main job in a lopsided contest.
The Chief won’t be happy with that!
The Chief won’t be happy with that!
The Chief won’t be happy with that!
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
Everyone who watches football is aware that Jason Dunstall, aka The Chief, has a regular segment on the Foxtel show “Bounce”, in which he chastises players who attempt dribble kicks. Regardless of what’s happening in the game right now, it is always more interesting to your listeners to know what The Chief is going to say - even if he says the same thing every time!
Falcon!
Falcon!
Falcon!
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
Literally anything else.
Using the word “falcon” demonstrates that you are capable of jocular banter, which is an essential skill for any AFL commentator. Note: it is acceptable to elaborate by explaining that the player in question has “copped the pill right in the scone”, and (if applicable) that “he has a bit of claret”, but you must use the word “falcon” at some point.
He
He
He
He or him, depending on the context and the rules of English grammar.
He or him, depending on the context and the rules of English grammar.
He or him, depending on the context and the rules of English grammar.
As an AFL commentator, people will assume that you aren’t smart. Prove them wrong by using ‘he’ even when most people would use ‘him’. This makes you sound educated! Example: “Strong mark by Deledio. Cotchin receives the ball from he and kicks the goal.” For extra points, use “myself” instead of “I”, as in “After the break, Dwayne and myself will chat with the coaches.”
You should definitely not be an AFL commentator. You have little to no grasp of commonly used cliches, and you display a peculiar unwillingness to repeat the same tired analysis at every stoppage. Anyone listening to you commentate a match would be in grave danger of hearing something new, and possibly even learning something.
You should definitely not be an AFL commentator. You have only a basic grasp of commonly used cliches, and you seem reluctant to repeat the same tired analysis at every stoppage. Anyone listening to you commentate a match would be in grave danger of hearing something new, and possibly even learning something.
You should definitely not be an AFL commentator. While you have some grasp of commonly used cliches, and you display some ability to repeat the same tired analysis at every stoppage, there is still a danger that listeners might hear something new, and possibly even learn something.
You should definitely be an AFL commentator. You know the cliches, and you know when to use them. You’re so out of touch with the modern game that you still marvel at developments from ten years ago. You come across as “one of the boys”, and you would have no trouble engaging in mindless banter to pass the time when Carlton plays the Gold Coast Suns.
