There’s never been a more exciting time to be an Australian. Smartphones and internet connections are widespread, and food preparation has become a performance art in ways previous generations could not have imagined.
This has created untold economic opportunity for commercial television networks and celebrity chefs, but it has also led to a two-speed culinary economy.
While enterprising cooks are able to receive widespread social approval for photos of meals they have prepared at home, average Australians are uploading sub-average photos of meals that are so far below the average they no longer meet the basic definition of ‘food’.
It’s a problem previous Governments have chosen to ignore, but this is not a problem that will go away on its own. For that reason, we have formed our own political party and are running on a policy of responsible photoculinary sharing - or, in the common parlance:
Don’t instagram your food if it looks like sh#t!
Put simply, a vote for us is a vote against instagram photos of food that looks like sh#t.
We understand that this will be challenging for some social media users, and so we will set aside 2,500,000 ‘likes’ and 500,000 ‘comments’ to assist those hit hardest by the new policy.
We will also commission 9 million informational brochures, which will be distributed to every household in Australia, and a dramatic telemovie about the perils of instagramming food that looks like sh#t.
In anticipation of our sweeping victory on the back of this new policy, social media users may wish to familiarise themselves, ahead of time, with some of the finer details of our platform:
I’m unsure if my food looks like sh#t. How can I know for sure?
If in doubt, your food looks like sh#t.
I’m new to cooking and really proud of my achievements. Can I instagram my cooking?
Yes! (Provided it doesn’t look like sh#t.)
I photograph my food from directly above, and carefully place a ramekin of organic sea salt nearby. Will this help in any way?
No.
But people always ‘like’ my photos!
Probably because you throw a tantrum when people don’t like your photos. Your food still looks like sh#t.
Without photos of awful food, I’ll have nothing to share on social media.
Good.
