How to use money as a substitute for love all year round

Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to use money as a substitute for love for another person. But just because the 14th of February is behind us, doesn’t mean you can’t continue to replace heartfelt affection with purchasable commodities! In fact, money is a great replacement for love all year round. Here’s how to do it.

  1. Whenever your partner says “I love you”, instead of saying “I love you too”, place a dollar into a mason jar. When the mason jar is full, donate it to Hallmark.
  2. If your partner always does the household chores and you never help out, consider buying them an expensive bouquet of flowers from time to time.
  3. Do you think your partner is “beneath you”? Are they “holding you back”? Do you think you could “do better”? Why not treat them to a fancy dinner to disguise your deep-seated resentment!
  4. If you’ve recently cheated on your partner with another man or woman or both, buy your partner a new car — quick!
  5. Did you blow your partner’s life savings on liquor and dice, and sleep with their best friend, leaving you to watch helplessly as they sever all contact and begin a new life with someone much better than you? Fear not! It’s never too late for a diamond ring of costume proportions.

Things you’ll need: money, lack of love or other similar emotions.