Statistically speaking, the average stand-up comic is white, male, and somewhere in his 20s. He also raises one eyebrow in a quizzical fashion. “What is up with that?” his raised eyebrow asks the world, as he shares his witty take on problems and experiences you can relate to.
Not all white, male stand-up comics are exactly the same, however, and we can compare and rank them based on the quizzicality of their eyebrow raise. This probably makes no sense, but it’s the only basis we have on which to distinguish them.
1. Paul Culliver (facebook.com/paulculliver/)
Paul is the toast of comedy circles for the impressive angular contrast he can generate between his ample brows. Anatomists marvel at the power and flexibility of his frontalis muscle, but all we see is a man pushing his chosen craft - humorous eyebrow reconfiguration - to new extremes.
2. Michael Connell (michaelconnell.com.au/)
Lacking the saturated brows of many of his contemporaries, Michael tilts his head anywhere up to 45º in order to sell his quizzical raises. A tactical side part also ensures a convergence of hairlines on the left of this photo, adding to the effect.
3. Jason Chatfield (jasonchatfield.com)
Despite being little more than a vector illustration, Jason has quickly risen to prominence amongst white male comedians raising one eyebrow. The angles, curves, and thickness of his brows are optimal, but attention is stolen by his bizarre jawline, which connects directly to his neck to form a single, indistinguishable mass.
4. Dan Willis (www.danwillis.net)
Can eyebrows still be quizzical if they’re both raised? That’s the question Dan Willis seems to be asking with this publicity shot. Yet after staring at his photo for a good 90 seconds, it’s hard to know where he comes down on the issue. We remain unconvinced.
5. David Rose Comedian (facebook.com/davidrosecomedian/)
Like a number of amateur comedians, David Rose Comedian is yet to fully develop his eyebrow orientation. He has a clear thickness to his brows that some would kill for, but so far he doesn’t seem to know what to do with them. Watch this space! But don’t get your hopes up.
6. Toby Halligan (tobyhalligan.com)
If you thought Toby Halligan had given up on life, his eyebrow raise in this publicity photo all but confirms it! Yes, his head is cocked to one side, and sure, a faint crease of the forehead hints at eyebrow deformation of some description, but that thin band of hair is less “quizzical” and more “quizzikill me now”. Very disappointing.
7. Jazz Twemlow (jazztwemlow.com)
Oh boy, this is embarrassing. Jazz’s raised eyebrow is practically hidden in the shadows, like a mumbling wallflower at his first Toastmasters outing. If this is any indication of what Jazz’s stand-up will be like, and it probably isn’t, count us out!
8. Athol Birtley (thermocow.com)
Athol scrunches his forehead in a pathetic attempt to shift his eyebrows, but it’s like watching someone who’s just had botox trying to prove that they haven’t. Sure, he may have enough follicles to host a reboot of Agro’s Cartoon Connection, but this is not the facial expression we expect from a white, male comedian.
Honourable mention: Tessa Waters (tessawaters.com)
With an eyebrow dislocation of tectonic-plate proportions, a pleasantly Anglo-Saxon surname, and a complexion that would have guaranteed membership to a 19th Century private club, Tessa seems to be doing everything right. Unfortunately, she forgot to be a male! Sorry Tessa, but perhaps comedy isn’t for you?