1
You arrive at your desk at 8:30am, filled with optimism and overcome by a sense of infinite possibility. After twelve months of hard work and dedication to your employer, it is time for your annual performance review. Having fielded countless enquiries from recruiters via LinkedIn, and knowing what your friends are getting paid at similar companies, you have a pretty good idea of what you are worth. Your successful handling of Project Titan can’t hurt, either.
Unfortunately, the performance review is scheduled for 9:30 - a whole hour from now. What on Earth are you going to do until then?
To pretend to work in order to pass the time, turn to page 7.
To pretend to work in order to pass the time, turn to page 7.
To pretend to work in order to pass the time, turn to page 7.
To brush up on your achievements over the past year, turn to page 18.
To brush up on your achievements over the past year, turn to page 18.
To brush up on your achievements over the past year, turn to page 18.
7
You fire up your computer, check a few emails, and browse your favourite news site. Three celebrity rumours later, you’re growing restless. You can’t focus on anything but your performance review: the excitement is simply too great.
Turn to page 18.
Turn to page 18.
Turn to page 18.
18
You open a lever arch folder labelled “Performance Review Materials”. Inside, carefully tabbed and indexed, is all the information you could possibly need for the performance review: your position description, the corporate outperformance goals, positive feedback from your colleagues, letters of appreciation from the various heads of department, file notes from every time a recruiter attempted to headhunt you, a comprehensive nationwide salary review across your industry, consolidated financial statements for the company group backing out your personal contribution and showing a $38 million reduction in annual profit, and more.
You close the folder and look at the clock: 9:25! “Time flies when you’re having fun,” you chuckle to yourself, before collecting your things and making your way to meeting room 12.06.
Turn to page 35.
Turn to page 35.
Turn to page 35.
35
You open the door to meeting room 12.06 and see Peter from HR. Peter is about your age, with a frail physique covered by a year-round tan.
He rises from his chair, shakes your hand, and greets you by the wrong name.
To correct Peter on his mistake, turn to page 10.
To correct Peter on his mistake, turn to page 10.
To correct Peter on his mistake, turn to page 10.
To assume it was a simple slip of the tongue and say nothing, turn to page 88.
To assume it was a simple slip of the tongue and say nothing, turn to page 88.
To assume it was a simple slip of the tongue and say nothing, turn to page 88.
10
You politely inform Peter of your actual name. He laughs, and says, “Shall we get started?”
Turn to page 88.
Turn to page 88.
Turn to page 88.
88
Peter offers you a chair, and you sit. On his side of the desk is a single piece of paper. Your lever arch folder looks excessive in comparison.
Peter sits down and slides the paper towards you.
“Before you look at it,” he says, “let me explain how we came up with this number.”
“Is this my new salary?” you ask.
“It’s a complete remuneration package, comprising salary benefits and non-salary benefits.”
To ask why the company would bother scheduling performance reviews when they’ve clearly made up their mind on pay rises, turn to page 21.
To ask why the company would bother scheduling performance reviews when they’ve clearly made up their mind on pay rises, turn to page 21.
To ask why the company would bother scheduling performance reviews when they’ve clearly made up their mind on pay rises, turn to page 21.
To nod in agreement and listen to what Peter has to say, turn to page 67.
To nod in agreement and listen to what Peter has to say, turn to page 67.
To nod in agreement and listen to what Peter has to say, turn to page 67.
21
Peter smiles. “Let me take a step back and explain how the process works. This offer is a starting point, that’s all. But it’s also the end point. In the middle is the performance review, which is what we’re doing now. Does that make sense?”
To request additional clarification because it makes no sense whatsoever, turn to page 4.
To request additional clarification because it makes no sense whatsoever, turn to page 4.
To request additional clarification because it makes no sense whatsoever, turn to page 4.
To smile and nod, turn to page 67.
To smile and nod, turn to page 67.
To smile and nod, turn to page 67.
4
“Correct me if I’m mistaken,” you say, “but if the start point and the end point are the same, doesn’t that make the journey redundant?’
Peter smiles. “Let me explain it another way.”
He reaches across and takes your folder. “Okay if I write on this?” he says, before tearing out your index page and drawing a large dot with a permanent marker.
“This is the start, and it’s also the end. But the journey, looks like this.” He draws a large arrow extending from the point and looping back to finish in the same place.
“Have you read The Hobbit?” he asks. “In The Hobbit, Bilbo starts in Hobbiton, and finishes in Hobbiton. But in between, he goes on a journey. Think of your performance review like that journey.”
“Bilbo returned home with a large treasure,” you observe.
“I’m speaking metaphorically,” he replies.
To smile and nod because Peter is obviously a cretin, turn to page 67.
To smile and nod because Peter is obviously a cretin, turn to page 67.
To smile and nod because Peter is obviously a cretin, turn to page 67.
67
You nod. Peter smiles.
“As I was saying, I would like to explain how we came up with this number. As you’re probably aware, the company uses banding to determine potential remuneration for each staff member. The choice of band is determined by your role within the company, and your position within the band is determined by a number of factors including the current operating budget, the introduction of the “More for Less” initiative, and the interests of shareholders.”
“And presumably, my performance over the past twelve months?” you ask.
“No, not at all. Your performance is what we’re here to talk about today! That’s why it’s called a performance review.”
To sigh loudly and snatch the piece of paper with your new salary, turn to page 28.
To sigh loudly and snatch the piece of paper with your new salary, turn to page 28.
To sigh loudly and snatch the piece of paper with your new salary, turn to page 28.
28
You decide against sighing loudly, and simply pick up the slip of paper. Don’t want to appear rude.
Something in your gut twists, you can’t believe what you’re seeing. You pull out your pen and do some quick calculations.
“0.8% increase? That’s less than CPI!”
Peter looks shocked. “That must be a mistake.” He retrieves the paper and reviews the figures.
“I see the problem,” he says. “You forgot to exclude super.”
“This is with super?” you ask incredulously. “So I’m actually getting an 8% reduction?”
“7.95, I believe. But remember I said it was a package. This is the salary component of that package.”
To grit your teeth and hear what the rest of the package involves, turn to page 52.
To grit your teeth and hear what the rest of the package involves, turn to page 52.
To grit your teeth and hear what the rest of the package involves, turn to page 52.
52
Peter continues. “In addition to your salary benefits, there are also superannuation benefits.”
“Aren’t those included in this figure?”
“Yes, but it’s important to remember that they’re separate.”
“Right.”
“That concludes your tangible benefits, but your package includes numerous intangible benefits, such as your fellow team members. Studies have shown that positive relationships with your co-workers are equivalent to a $35,000 increase in salary.”
To explain that your co-workers are assholes and ask for $35,000 in compensation, turn to page 93.
To explain that your co-workers are assholes and ask for $35,000 in compensation, turn to page 93.
To explain that your co-workers are assholes and ask for $35,000 in compensation, turn to page 93.
To hear more about the intangible benefits, turn to page 45.
To hear more about the intangible benefits, turn to page 45.
To hear more about the intangible benefits, turn to page 45.
93
Peter laughs, uncomfortably this time.
“I’ll take that as a joke,” he says.
“It’s not a joke.”
“If you feel that your co-workers are exhibiting behaviour that is not in accordance with our Pledge of Appropriate Behaviour, I encourage you to file a complaint with your local HR representative.”
“Didn’t you just say that good colleagues are worth $35,000 in salary?”
“Yes, but that’s good colleagues. Bad colleagues are worth nothing.”
He seems to have a point, and hurries to speak again before you can pinpoint the flaw in his logic.
“Now, about those intangible benefits.”
Turn to page 45.
Turn to page 45.
Turn to page 45.
45
“In addition to your salary, superannuation, and co-workers,” Peter continues, “your package also includes a raft of hospitality benefits.”
“You mean the biscuits in the tea-room?”
“In addition to biscuits, the company provides you with drinking water, breathable air—”
“Peter!” you cut him off.
To steer the conversation towards salaries on offer at other firms, turn to page 15.
To steer the conversation towards salaries on offer at other firms, turn to page 15.
To steer the conversation towards salaries on offer at other firms, turn to page 15.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
15
You dig into your lever arch folder and produce a sixteen page report on salaries for your position at firms of various size across the nation.
“The going rate for someone of my position,” you explain, “is around 36% higher than what you’ve proposed here.”
“Ah,” says Peter, “you’re talking about what’s going on at other companies, but none of us know what they’re doing because they don’t tell us. All we can do is guess. It’s not as if there’s a report that tells you what each company is paying each employee.”
“Except there is! It’s right here!”
“You also have to compare like with like. It wouldn’t be surprising, for example, if a person in your position was getting paid less than a CEO.”
“But but but,” you exasperate, “I am comparing like for like. This report shows salaries for my exact job title, position description, and years of experience.”
“Well, if you had a document like that I’m sure there’d be a lot of interest in HR to have a look! But until then, we have to rely on the bands. We pay a consultant lots of money each year for those bands, which makes it pretty hard to disagree with them, wouldn’t you say?”
To suggest that maybe you’ve been categorised in the wrong band, turn to page 74.
To suggest that maybe you’ve been categorised in the wrong band, turn to page 74.
To suggest that maybe you’ve been categorised in the wrong band, turn to page 74.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
74
“Okay,” you begin. “Ignoring the salary data, let’s look at your bands. I put it to you that I’ve been placed in the wrong band given my level of responsibility.”
Peter opens his mouth to speak but you cut him off.
“Look at Project Titan. That was an $80 million dollar project that I coordinated myself, and is delivering positive cashflow returns within two months.”
Peter looks blank. “I didn’t know you were involved with Project Titan.”
To explain that the reason he didn’t know you were involved with Project Titan is because it was a confidential project, and that involving HR in anything confidential is the LAST thing you would ever want to do given how loudly they gossip all day long, turn to page 59.
To explain that the reason he didn’t know you were involved with Project Titan is because it was a confidential project, and that involving HR in anything confidential is the LAST thing you would ever want to do given how loudly they gossip all day long, turn to page 59.
To explain that the reason he didn’t know you were involved with Project Titan is because it was a confidential project, and that involving HR in anything confidential is the LAST thing you would ever want to do given how loudly they gossip all day long, turn to page 59.
To say that actually, everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that actually, everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that actually, everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
59
“The reason you haven’t heard about Project Titan is because it was a confidential project, and involving HR in anything confidential is the LAST thing I would ever want to do given how loudly you gossip all day long,” you think to yourself but don’t have the courage to say out loud.
Instead, you say, “It was a confidential project.”
“Well,” says Peter. “Leading a project of that size is not something we would ordinarily expect of someone in your salary band, so you should definitely mention it in next year’s performance review.”
To realise that this line of discussion is fruitless, mention all the calls you’ve received from recruiters over the past twelve months, and make a veiled threat that you will leave the company if your demands are not met, turn to page 30.
To realise that this line of discussion is fruitless, mention all the calls you’ve received from recruiters over the past twelve months, and make a veiled threat that you will leave the company if your demands are not met, turn to page 30.
To realise that this line of discussion is fruitless, mention all the calls you’ve received from recruiters over the past twelve months, and make a veiled threat that you will leave the company if your demands are not met, turn to page 30.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
30
You turn to the recruiter log you keep in your lever arch folder, and begin to read.
“July 3, 9:44am. Job offer from Mexyl Corporation. July 3, 9:54am. Job offer from Dennick Wiezel and Associates. July 3, 10:15 am. Job offer from Glancorp.”
“If I may interrupt,” says Peter, “it sounds as if you’re raising the possibility of accepting a job offer with a rival organisation. This company accepts the principle of free movement of labour, and if at any time you feel that there are better opportunities outside the company than inside it, of course you should feel free to change employers.”
To triumphantly declare that you are going to do just that, then take a shit on the desk and wipe your ass with the miserly pay offer, turn to page 99.
To triumphantly declare that you are going to do just that, then take a shit on the desk and wipe your ass with the miserly pay offer, turn to page 99.
To triumphantly declare that you are going to do just that, then take a shit on the desk and wipe your ass with the miserly pay offer, turn to page 99.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
99
You think better of the idea. You haven’t heard from a recruiter in over a week - what if the job market has collapsed? Plus, while this place may be hell, it’s a hell you’re familiar with. Other companies could be worse. Would you be able to find good coffee? It took you ages to find Jean-Gaston, and even longer to convince him to allow you to order from him. There’s also the effort involved in updating your resumé. Maybe you’ll wait twelve months, and if things haven’t improved by then, well, then you’ll make your move. It would be premature to leave now. Yes, that’s it. Premature.
Satisfied with your decision to make no decision, you return your focus to Peter. He looks at you curiously, wondering why you haven’t said anything for the past forty-five seconds.
To at least ask for a nominal promotion via a harmless change of job title, turn to page 25.
To at least ask for a nominal promotion via a harmless change of job title, turn to page 25.
To at least ask for a nominal promotion via a harmless change of job title, turn to page 25.
25
“No,” says Peter.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
To say that everything sounds fine and that you’re happy with the outcome of your performance review, turn to page 61.
61
“I’m glad to hear that.” Peter replies. “I think you will agree that, even though you were a little skeptical to begin with, the performance review process is a valuable component of your career development toolkit.”
He stands, shakes your hand, and shows you the door.
Standing outside, you feel cheated, robbed, defrauded. You’ve worked so hard over the past twelve months, and now you’re being asked to take a pay cut. You should have bargained harder, you tell yourself, as you will tell yourself each night for the next three weeks, tossing and turning in fits of rage, unable to sleep, before the numbness finally returns to engulf you in a permanent melancholia.
In other words, just another day at the office.
THE END
