Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Real Estate Agent?

by Athol Birtley

With Australian house prices in an expanding bubble, it’s a great time to be a real estate agent. After all, where else can you profit from a property boom without taking any risk yourself? Where else can you make obscene commissions while providing abysmal service? Where else are you lawfully permitted to lie in your advertising? Probably a lot of places, but real estate is the only one whose entrance requirements consist solely of disabling the spellchecker in Microsoft Word.

But don’t be fooled! Being a real estate agent can also involve hard work. Take this quiz to see if you have what it takes.

You are opening your first rental property for inspection. Judging by the registrations of interest, there will be at least fifty people in attendance. How long should the property remain open?

Fifteen minutes

Twenty minutes

Twenty-five minutes

Thirty minutes

Fifteen minutes is ample time for fifty people to critically examine a property and determine whether they are prepared to pay an exorbitant amount of money each week for the privilege of living there. Any longer and you risk missing tonight’s episode of Millionaire Hot Seat.

And what time should you arrive for the inspection?

A few minutes early, to make sure everything is ready to go

At precisely the advertised time

No more than five minutes late

Whenever the hell you want

These people are renters, after all. They are the filth standing between you and the fat commissions you will be pulling in once you move into auctions. (As long as the bubble hasn’t burst by then.)

A few months into the job, you are now managing a broad portfolio of rental properties. Great work! But every day you are bombarded with a million petty requests from your tenants to change their lightbulbs or mow their lawns or vacuum their carpets, while your landlords never stop asking why your fees are so high. What do you do?

Deal with each request politely and with a smile on your face

Respond to the urgent requests only, and leave the rest to figure it out on their own

Laugh with glee as you delete every email you’ve ever received

Move to a different branch office and leave some poor rookie to deal with the mess

We told you being a real estate agent involved hard work! Not only do you have to find new tenants for vacant properties, you also have to deal with their incessant demands. We haven’t even spoken about ensuring compliance with smoke alarm safety standards, but you’re going to have to do that too!

It’s your lucky day! You’ve just been asked to sell a modest family home in an outer suburb. Which of these descriptions looks best to you?

Look No Further! Family home in pleasant street. Comprising three bedrooms, the property is close to shops and cafes.

Look No Further! Spacious family home in nice street. Comprises of three bedrooms and close to shops and trendy cafes.

Look, No Further! Magnificent family-home with sensational aspect in Nice Street. Comprises of 3 bedroom’s and close to shop’s and trendy cafe’s.

Look! No! Further! Magnificant family-home / mansion with sensationel aspect in Ideal Location. Comprises of 4 bedroom’s, 6 bathroom’s, and a helipad.

You’re in real estate now, and honesty isn’t going to cut it. Neither will good grammar or spelling, so ditch those too. From here on in, every piece of promotional drafting should include a minimum of four exaggerations, two stretchings of the truth, and one outright lie.

What is this?

Walk-in pantry

Elegant walk-in pantry

Potential home office

Guest bedroom / granny flat

You’ve already lied once about this property, so from here on in it’s exaggerations and stretches only. If a space is theoretically large enough to fit a grown adult and a laptop at the same time, it is potentially a home office.

You’ve just been diagnosed with a terminal, inoperable disease. Do you deserve sympathy?

Yes

Hell no

Hell f*&#ing no!

Of course you deserve sympathy. You’re just a real estate agent after all, it’s not like you’re killing anyone, or committing genocide, or issuing parking tickets!

Show me my results!

We’re sorry to tell you this, but you are not cut out for real estate. Perhaps you might consider a job where you’re not required to lie, treat people like rubbish, or manage an excessive workload while maintaining a calm and professional demeanour.

You could give it a crack in real estate, but chances are you’ll never make it past rentals. Perhaps you’re too honest, perhaps you’re too punctual, but there’s something holding you back and your dreams of carving out a slice of the real estate pie are unlikely to ever become a reality.

You have the makings of a good real estate agent, but you’re not quite ready yet. Why not enroll in a real estate agent course? They typically run for 3 to 4 days, and teach you everything you’ll need to know.

Congratulations! You have what it takes to be a real estate agent! You can look forward to a long life of grotesque commissions, ill-fitting suits, and hard work - as long as you don’t get distracted by a burning desire to make some sort of positive contribution to society.

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