How to Become a Better Fisherman

Anyone can eat a fish. But can you pull a peace-loving fish from the ocean, then watch on, impassive and cruel, as the very air chokes it to an agonising death? If not, this is the guide for you!

Step one: Acquire an array of cunning traps and devices: a rod, line, hooks and bait. Quick tip: choose a bait that your target fish loves. It will be devastated when its favourite food turns out to be a deadly trap, and the sweet flavour of this disappointment will diffuse through the meat.

Step two: Ask a friend with fishing experience to accompany you. Your friend will tell stories about fish they have previously killed. Show interest by asking questions like ‘How did it die? Did you crush its skull? Did you slice it open while it yet lived? Did you keep it alive in your bathroom sink for days, starving, taunting and threatening it until its soul broke?’ If they look uncomfortable, give a pleasant, natural laugh, and tell them you were only joking (though, of course, that will be a lie).

Step three: Cast the baited line into the water, in a place where you sense there will be many fish. This maximises your chances of not only catching a fish, but causing anguish to an entire community as they witness a beloved friend or relative struggle in vain against your might.

Step four: When you have hooked a fish, you will feel some tension in the line. Enjoy this time. Play with the fish. Let it try to run from you. Scream “You dare run from I, fish? I who have slain so much fish?!” or words to that effect. If your friend looks concerned, they are probably planning to steal your rod. Hiss at them.

Step five: Reel in the line. Let the fish fall to the earth and loom God-like over its pathetic, writhing form. Drink in the fish’s abject terror as you lick its scales and threaten it with all the tortures you can imagine. Will you put out its eyes? Will you dip it in acid? Whisper softly that the fish is now your plaything, and that when you are done, it will beg you for death.

Step six: Check out for tasty ways to prepare your catch!

What you’ll need: Cunning traps, unhinged personality.