Great White Sharks do not exhibit territorial behaviour on land, which is where this fight takes place.

As the most environmentally conscious member of the animal kingdom, the Hippopotamus would forfeit to (and be gored by) the White Rhino for conservation purposes.

The cat is the mouse’s natural predator. It has every advantage in this battle, and will surely triumph, but kudos to the mouse for giving it a shot.

30 Doberman Pinschers will win the fight. However, in this contest, it is the sport of hypothetical animal fighting that is the real winner.

Have you guys ever seen a flock of ducks flying in perfect formation? It’s beautiful. Pretty awesome the way they all stick together. Ducks never say die. Ever seen a duck fight? No way. Why? Because the other animals are afraid. They know that if they mess with one duck, they gotta deal with the whole flock. I’m proud to be a Duck, and I’d be proud to fly with any one of you. So how about it? Who’s a Duck?

See Tolea et al (2012), which found using data from the Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Aging (N = 1220) the extroversion domain and its facets of warmth, activity and positive-emotions were positively correlated with strength, independent of covariates. This applies equally to blue whales.

Unsure. It’s not clear which one of these guys is which.

The chimpanzees, with their superior intellect, formulate a plan. “If we work together,” the lead chimp says, “we can win this.” But the impulsive honey badgers give him the finger and charge the lion recklessly. Predictably, they are picked off by the lionesses. The chimpanzees sigh and choose to adopt a defensive position in a tree, daring the lions to come to them. But it is futile. Circling the skies above, the owl hoots valuable intelligence to the mighty feline hunters, and the chimpanzees are pulled from the branches easily. The meerkat then concedes defeat by having a heart attack.

There are approximately 100 billion birds in the world, versus approximately 7.3 billion humans. However, there are 285 million humans with visual impairments, 632 million humans aged 4 and under, and 16 million aged 90 or over (a total of 933 million), so in this fight the humans effectively number 6.3 billion. The birds’ great advantages are speed, numbers and flight. The humans have size (in most cases), strength and technology on their side, but many of our most advanced weapons are either surprisingly vulnerable to bird attack (eg. jet aircraft) or not designed to fight flying creatures (eg. nunchaku). At first, the humans would be stunned by the birds’ sudden willingness to fight. Anyone caught outside would likely be struck down, their brains pecked out through their unprotected eye sockets. The rest would hole up inside a safe structure, likely terrified. It is the Americans who would ultimately save humanity, with their ready access to firearms and large supply of tinned goods. They will lead the humans to victory, as well as resolving the gun control debate once and for all. Humanity! America!