How to Become the Alpha Male

There’s only one type of male who gets all the promotions and girlfriends: the Alpha Male.

‘What’s so great about the Alpha Male?’ you whimper submissively, envious of his many promotions and girlfriends. The truth is that the male competitive drive is an evolutionary trait. The Alpha Male’s constant one-upmanship is both a display of dominance and a powerful aphrodisiac, simultaneously perpetuating his strong bloodline and turning you into his eunuch-jester. Let’s take a look at how you can apply evolutionary psychology to turn yourself into an appealing Alpha Male.


In ancient times, cavemen would greet strangers by fighting and killing them. Over time, this ritual developed into the handshake. Submissive males (betas) ignore the handshake’s origins, and mistakenly approach their handshake opponent using ‘manners’. Some betas are so submissive they will actually use less force when shaking the hand of a child or a person with a broken wrist!

As an Alpha Male, you should step close to your handshake opponent, seize his puny hand and twist until he falls to his knees. Squeeze until you hear a loud crack: this signals that the opponent’s resistance and metacarpals have broken, and you may now squeeze even harder. Your opponent should emerge exhausted, weeping and with injuries that any piece of 19th Century farming machinery would be proud of. You have won the handshake.

This technique applies equally when handshaking a woman. With your superior strength, the woman will buckle easily, a phenomenon known as “going weak at the knees”. This is a primitive display of arousal, and signals that the woman has become your girlfriend.

Eye contact

Social animals evolved to use eye contact to instil sexual tension in potential partners, and elicit fear responses from opponents. This makes constant eye contact with everybody around you essential at all times. Unbroken, unflinching, eye-reddening, close range eye contact will turn women into your girlfriends and dominate men into giving you their promotions. If you feel a burning, itching need to blink, remember: time spent blinking is time your rivals will spend creating sexual tension and fear.

All of the space is yours

Embedded in our hunter-gatherer DNA is a fear of large animals. You can (and should) make yourself bigger over time, but in the short-term, use what you’ve got to take up as much of the space as possible. Spread your legs, puff out your chest, lie on the table, jump up and down swinging your arms in circles - it all helps. By occupying the space, you will deny your rivals the same opportunity, making them seem even smaller (less promotable) in comparison.

Rival males who see you jumping up and down and swinging your arms in circles will curtsey and declare you their Alpha. Women will label this behaviour “man-spreading” or “man-jumping up and down swinging your arms in circles”, both of which can be abbreviated to “man”. This adoration of your masculinity indicates you have acquired a new girlfriend.

Praise others like they are small children

When you openly belittle a rival, you broadcast a sort of primitive radio signal that you consider him a threat. To a true Alpha, rivals are as threatening as a small blueberry. Evolutionary psychology says that we should praise our rivals for minor accomplishments to earn their allegiance. Pat your rivals warmly on the head when they answer a question correctly or say something humorous. Women will swoon at your kindly dominance and become your girlfriends.

Tip generously

The Alpha caveman was a provider - he distributed some of his kill among his tribe. Today’s equivalent is tipping, whereby the Alpha demonstrates the wealth earned from his many promotions. Expand your Alpha status by tipping everyone. If you are conversing with a rival, ask him to hold your coat for the duration of the conversation, then tip him at the end. He will feel confused, but indebted to you as his Alpha. Also, women will become your girlfriends.