How to Fight Off a Horde of Possessed Toddlers

It’s your child’s third birthday party. The backyard is festooned with pennants and streamers. The little ones blow bubbles and play a simple game of “dance like a kitty”. A legion of netherworld spirits descends and inhabits the children, controlling their bodies like flesh-puppets.

Known as the “Tiercebane”, this mass spirit-possession event often occurs at the end of a Saturn-born’s third year. Many parents feel anxious, confused or even upset when forced to fight off a horde of possessed toddlers, but you don’t have to: just follow these simple tips.

Float like a butterfly...

Keep circling so they can’t attack en masse. Individual toddlers are small, but a group of them can theoretically weigh as much as a large horse.

… and don’t kill toddlers

Their parents plan to collect them later, and even one dead toddler will be a rude shock. These are possessed children, not animals - don’t get carried away!

Know your enemy

There’s a saying among evil spirits: “you’re only as strong as the body you possess (multiplied by the number of hymens you have consumed)”. And toddlers have some whopping structural weaknesses:cowgirl diagram
Study this diagram for fifteen minutes every evening until the day you die.

Don’t go to ground

If you’re a well-adjusted adult, you only fight other adults (and even then, only when they issue a formal, written challenge).

The old ‘ground and pound’ can be a great way to win a dispute with a neighbour or bureaucrat, but when you’re fighting a horde of toddlers, your biggest advantage is reach.

If you’re both standing, the possessed toddlers can’t reach your face, meaning the body’s control centres (the nose and the homunculus) are safe:

Child fighting ninja

But if you’re on the ground:
Child fighting ninja 2
So keep your feet.

Ask for help!

We like to think of ourselves as super-parents who can do it all without breaking a sweat, but even super-parents need help sometimes. Indeed, your fellow grown-ups are probably looking for ways to assist! If your hands are full fighting off a horde of possessed toddlers, why not ask another adult to perform the Gryfwydd Exorcism or pour soda water on any bloodstains in the carpet? You can’t expect to do it all yourself.

I can only hope that this is all the information you ever need on toddler fighting. And remember, if all else fails, you’ll probably die!