How To Fix Your Wifi

Emails taking ages to load? YouTubes stopping halfway through? Struggling to pirate your favourite TV shows? If any of this sounds familiar, you might need to fix your wifi. Don’t worry, it’s not as hard as it sounds!

Step One: Locate your modem. A modem is a gadget that acts like a foreign-language interpreter between your wifi and the internet. They can be as small as a grain of sand, or as large as a bar fridge. Modems from the 1990s used to talk all the time, making them easy to locate, but modern devices are completely silent because they are autistic from the vaccines.

Step Two: On the underside of your modem, there will be a button labelled “FIX WIFI”. Do not press this button. It is a trap.

Step Three: Instead, locate the IP address of your modem, which will be written on the underside in crayon. A typical IP address looks like this: ###.###.###.### where each ‘#’ could be a number or a letter or a crude drawing of an ex-lover. Multiply your IP address by 2. (If you want your wifi to be especially fast, multiply your IP address by 3.)

Step Four: Sometimes your wifi works well if your computer is near the modem, but not so well if you are far away. One way to solve the problem is to buy more modems - but modems are expensive! For a cheap, effective alternative, soak a dozen carrots in vinegar overnight, then bury them in the garden by the light of a full moon. The acidic flavour of the carrots will attract rabbits, who will attract poachers, who will buy their own modems. Slaughter the poachers and steal their modems.

Step Five: If you’ve tried all the steps above and your wifi still isn’t working, consider upgrading (or restarting) your computer. Who knows, maybe it wasn’t the wifi after all?

Things you’ll need: Secateurs, potting mix, hydrogen peroxide.