How to Raise a Daughter

All new parents are afraid of one thing: having a girl. Raising a son is simple, but a daughter? You need a detailed how-to guide for that!

Step One: The key is preparation. Before the daughter is born, start acquiring toys, baby furniture and dresses. Don’t worry if a dress seems too big - daughters will expand to fill any item of clothing you buy them (Google image search ‘Japanese bonsai daughters’ for some creative examples).

Step Two: After birth, feed the daughter at regular intervals, using the woman who originally contained the child. Try to keep the daughter’s environment below 80ºC, or the daughter will cook.

Step Three: At some point, teach the daughter to hold up its own head, babble, reach for and grasp bright objects, roll over, sit without support, eat solid food, crawl, speak in simple phrases, drink from a cup, use an iPad, walk, kick a ball, run, follow commands, dress and feed itself, use a toilet, jump, pedal a tricycle, draw a circle, complete a simple puzzle, share, use manners, turn sharp corners, hop, speak 1500 words, write letters, count using fingers, play group games, read, integrate learning from multiple sources, value home and peer friendships, and feel concern about mistakes and failure. All of these things can be taught using treats.

Step Four: After eleven years, the daughter should reach the age of eleven. If the daughter is still a toddler, or is already an old crone, return her to the hospital for a full refund on medical expenses.

Step Five: On the daughter’s 18th birthday, you are done! Host a party in your own honour. Treat the daughter to a firm handshake and explain that you must now go your separate ways.

Things You’ll Need: Several hundred thousand dollars for food and other expenses, clothing in various sizes, at least twenty minutes a day.

Warning: At some point, the daughter will ask for a pony. Do not grant this request. The daughter will use the pony as its slave, riding on its back and forcing it to perform tricks!