How to Respond to Insults

Everybody has their faults. A key element of our personal growth is recognising and accepting the faults in others, so that we can attack them with clever insults.

But how should you respond when others insult you? Just look up your flaw in this ThermoCow guide, hold the text up to your weird, stupid face, and find out!

Thin Legs

Example insults: ‘Chicken legs!’
‘Stork legs!’
‘I’ve run out of dental floss. Can I use one of your legs?’
ThermoCow comeback: 12-week mass-building leg workout (full squats - 5 x 5 @ 80% 1RM; split squats - 3 x 6 @ 75% 1RM; snatch grip deadlifts - 5 x 5 @ 80% 1RM). Consume Creatine before and after every other thing you do, including consuming Creatine.

Example insults: ‘Papist Dog!’
‘You're just a... a... Pope!’
ThermoCow comeback:  Convert to an insult-proof faith like Scientology or Judaism.

Example insults: ‘You’re so uncultured you get bored halfway through a Yakult.’
ThermoCow comeback:  Compose and direct an opera. Invite the social elite to opening night and include a sarcastic retort in your thank you speech.
Vision corrected by means of prescription-lens spectacles

Example insults: ‘Four-eyes!’
‘Are you okay to walk around without your dog?’
ThermoCow comeback:  Invent a time machine, go back to your childhood, and make sure to always read under the light of a good reading lamp.
Large nose

Example insults: ‘Pinocchio!’
‘Steffi Graf!’
‘If we lose each other in the crowd, let's meet back at Jeff's nose.’
ThermoCow comeback:  Get plastic surgery (either to shrink your nose or enlarge the rest of your head).
No nose

Example insults: ‘No nose? How do you smell? Awful. Get it?’
ThermoCow comeback:  ‘Avada kedavra.’
Morbidly obese

Example insults: ‘I know this isn’t easy to hear, but you are carrying too much weight and your cholesterol levels are dangerously high. The health risks, particularly for your heart, are serious and I recommend you try to lose some of that weight for your children’s sake.’
ThermoCow comeback:  Cake.
In love with another human

Example insults: ‘Jeff and Agnes, sitting in a tree: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!’
ThermoCow comeback:  Fixate on all the things that bug you about the other human until the love stops. Forming an impenetrable shell between your feelings and the outside world will ensure you never have to endure these insults again.
Old age

Example insults: ‘I need my inheritance. Why won’t you just die already?’
ThermoCow comeback:  No comeback available. Best do as they say.
Poor swordsmanship

Example insults: ‘You fight like a dairy farmer.’
ThermoCow comeback:  ‘How appropriate, you fight like a cow’
Any other flaw

Example insults: ‘You're so [#]’
‘You have a massive [#]’
‘You have a tiny [#]’
‘You have sex with [#]’
‘You look like [#]’
ThermoCow comeback:  ‘I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?’