Not all breakfast cereals are created equal. With their varying levels of sugar, artificial colourings, and propensity of the mascot on the box to kill small children, it is important that parents make an informed choice. Australian labelling laws require manufacturers to disclose sugar content and other additives, but there is no such requirement in relation to the murderous tendencies of their mascots. In this regard, parents have essentially been shopping blind — until now.
7. Cornelius Rooster (Corn Flakes)
Growing to a maximum of 27 inches tall, roosters are considered harmless to humans. If your child can’t defeat a rooster in hand-to-hand combat, they either deserve to die, or are too young to be eating Corn Flakes.
6. Toucan Sam (Fruit Loops)
While the toucan’s diet consists predominantly of fruit, they have been known to plunder the nests of smaller birds, eating eggs and hatchlings. Provided the world’s fruit supply remains in a healthy state, your children should be safe.
5. Snap, Crackle and Pop (Rice Bubbles)
When Snap, Crackle and Pop first entered our homes in 1933, they were wizened old gnomes:
Sixteen years later, they were prepubescent elfs:
How did these magical creatures regain their youth after entering the homes of young children? And how have they retained it for over 60 years? Do your children seem to grow older with each bowl of rice bubbles they consume? Think about this the next time you go shopping.
4. Coco the Monkey (Coco Pops)
Coco the Monkey does not resemble any known species found in the wild, suggesting he was created in a laboratory. This would go some way to explaining his human-level intelligence and ability to speak English. While he is currently social and well-behaved, all that could change in an instant if he were to discover the truth of his origins (and the grisly fate of his brothers and sisters, who did not make it past factory acceptance testing).
3. Tony the Tiger (Frosties)
Tigers eat nothing but meat. Kellogg’s Frosties contain no meat. Why does Tony the Tiger think Frosties are “great”? Because children like Kellogg’s Frosties. And children contain meat. If you provide the Frosties, the meat will come.
2. King Willie Weetie (Weeties)
King Willie Weetie has the power to steam and roll grains of wheat simply by clasping them in his hand. Like King Midas before him, this is both a blessing and a curse. While he can reduce a field of grain into a nutritious breakfast cereal within a matter of minutes, the imagination curdles with terror at the thought of him accidentally coming into contact with a small child. His diminutive build and avuncular disposition make such a possibility all the more likely, and this, perhaps, is the true tragedy. We cannot blame Uncle Toby’s for relying on King Willie’s services (manufacturing Weeties using traditional methods would be prohibitively expensive) but the company should take greater care to ensure the cursed royal never strays into contact with a member of their target market.
1. Dick Smith (Bush Foods Breakfast)
No child murder charges have ever been proven against Dick Smith. Of course, the same could be said for OJ Simpson or Attila the Hun. We’re pretty sure he could kill a child, and it would be irresponsible to rule out the possibility that he will.
