FoodHow To

A Delicious-Looking Recipe You'll Probably Never Try

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Look at that photo. Do you know what it is? Do you even care? It looks delicious, right? Here’s how you can make it at home, even though we both know that probably won’t happen.

  1. Buy a whole pheasant. Oh, what, you thought that thing on the bottom was an organic, free range, chicken fillet? You wish it were that easy. But keep reading, because part of you believes you’ll buy an entire pheasant for an extra special meal some day.
  2. Remove the pheasant breasts and place in a marinade of soy sauce, garlic, onion, honey, and yuzu juice. For 48 hours. That’s right. You’re going to have to start this meal two days ahead. Can you see that happening?
  3. On the morning of the day you plan to eat (or at around 2am if you’re planning a lunch), finely chop 30g of Cannonball Cabbage, 30g of Walking Stick Cabbage, 30g of January King Cabbage, 30g of Napa Cabbage, 30g of Portugal Cabbage, and 30g of Savoy Cabbage. You’re going to spend an entire day sourcing these cabbages, and for what? You’re only going to use 30g of each.
  4. Cut a parsnip into long, thin strands, then place them in a small saucepan with the cabbage in 3cm of half pomegranate vinegar, half liquid saffron. Turn every two and a half minutes for an hour, before adding a pint of home-brewed beer, 2 drops of orangutang milk, 1 ounce of truffle caviar, and the red blood cells of a rabbit (to taste). Simmer until dark brown. “Maybe I could use cow’s milk as a substitute?”, you think to yourself, as if that’s the only challenge you’re going to have to overcome. Look, I have plenty of easier recipes, if you’d like? They use ingredients you can find in your local supermarket. Some of them are done in a slow cooker, for heaven’s sake! Alright, if you insist...
  5. Take the remaining rabbit blood plasma (which you should have set aside earlier) and further fractionate it to recover the albumin and gamma-globulin -- Okay, I know for a fact you’re never going to do this. Do you even have a centrifuge? Because that’s what you need to fractionate blood, you know that? Why are you still reading this recipe? You’re wasting my time, sure, but you’re also wasting your own time. I haven’t even got to the part with the liquid oxygen! Listen, you’re not a molecular gastronomist, and fantasising over recipes like this isn’t going to fill that lonely void in your heart.
  6. No. There is no step 6. If you won’t end this, I will. Go make yourself some toast. The end.

Things you’ll need: I said I’m done. Go away.